Can I Change? Can Others Change? Can I Change Others?
Many people enter therapy looking to make changes. Couples often seek therapy hoping their partners will change. We may go into relationships believing we can change our partner’s qualities that do not mesh well with ours. “If you love me, you will change (insert annoying behavior).”
History and research show us that some traits change very little over time. Levels of introversion and extraversion stay relatively stable. Cognitive ability as often measured by IQ remains consistent. Tendencies to be anxious, empathic, and cautious all continue as we develop.
How can therapy help with change? First, a prospective therapy client needs to want to change and see their feelings or behaviors as playing negative roles in their lives. For example, having a short temper may result in acting out verbally or physically. Impulsivity can lead to volatile interactions which may result in loss of relationships, loss of job, and, at the extreme end, possible criminal charges leading to incarceration. An anxious person may avoid social situations leading to isolation and an inability to create a full life filled with friends, family, and satisfying work. Recognizing that others are not responsible for your negative or self-defeating behaviors is essential. The desire for change and willingness to explore what maintains unhealthy behaviors are essential.
While changing thoughts and behaviors to move forward may require constant work, we rarely operate alone. In other words, our partners, friends and family, those who may have wanted these changes, need to react to the ‘new you.’ We become used to those in our system behaving certain ways. Maybe your role in the system is to be a caretaker. You are reinforced for being thoughtful and helpful and taking over when others feel helpless. Should the dependent member become more assertive and self-sufficient, and ultimately, less needy, what happens to the caretaker? The rules of this relationship change. The caretaker may not trust or reinforce your independence. The caretaker may try to find other ways to maintain the caretaking role in the relationship. The caretaker may not be supportive of your healthy development.
In the same way, a high conflict relationship may result in one partner desperate for the other partner to be less explosive. Yet, at the same time, high drama may define the relationship resulting in dramatic break-ups, make-ups, and reunions. Should the more explosive partner work on anger to become less reactive, the other partner may find ways to keep the tension high, fearful that the relationship will become boring or the other partner no longer cares.
It becomes critical to tell your friends and family about the changes you hope to make and the support you need to maintain these changes. This may mean new healthier roles for all or ending relationships which no longer serve you.
As for trying to change others, it is important to remember that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Marriage rarely improves the behavior of our partners. Typically, I tell couples that what bothers you before marriage is only going to get worse over time. The more we are comfortable with our partner, the less work we put in trying to make changes. Adding children to the picture can make relationships more complicated. Yes, we will have somewhat more success shaping our children’s behavior. But, any parent will tell you, that is not easy either. Each child is born with a distinct personality. Personalities can stay consistent. More positive behaviors within a personality can be helped by parents to develop.
Should you feel ready to acknowledge the changes you need to make and the work you need to do, please reach out to me. Paulakaplanreiss.com 732 754-6601. We can arrange a complimentary 15-minute consultation to determine if I can be of help.
