Parenting an Adult Child with Addiction and/or Mental Illness
This past week, media was flooded with the tragic story of the death of Rob and Michelle Reiner allegedly at the hands of their 32-year-old son, Nick. Found by their daughter, Romy, the Reiners were stabbed to death in their bedroom. Reactions from countless friends, family and celebrities recount indescribable devastation. CBS and CNN both put out television specials describing the incredible artistic contributions Rob and Michelle Reiner have made and the endless ways they have worked for causes important to them.
Nick has had a significant history of drug addiction and mental illness which began as a teen. Apparently, his parents worked tirelessly to get him the treatment he needed. Also, they were known to set limits when Nick did not accept their help, and he often wound up homeless. However, at the time of their killing, Nick was living in their guest house on their property.
The only people we have not heard from following this tragedy, the ones who could describe the hell they have been through and the love they felt are Rob and Michelle. How does one deal with parenting a disturbed, actively addicted adult child?
Rarely do we read such an extreme horror story where a son kills both parents. I cannot begin to imagine how Nick will live the rest of his life, whether incarcerated or not, with what he has done. But, there are many parents who watch their adult children make destructive decisions and choices not knowing how to convince them otherwise. When children are under 18, parents have the law on their side. Children can be forced to go to school. Parents can send children for residential treatment.
After a child turns 18, that often-immature teen can make their own decisions. They can refuse treatment. They can deny they have problems. They can stay out all night with ‘friends’ while parents feel helpless. Young adults who may be best helped by psychiatric meds and therapy may want to control their own lives after feeling controlled by their parents through their childhoods.
When an adult struggles with episodic anger, violence or alcohol and drug abuse, there may be many days when all seems peaceful. Bringing up therapy and medication risks stirring up violence and defensiveness. No one wants to ‘rock the boat.’ Yet parenting while an adult child is calm is easier than intervening in the middle of an explosion.
Because the child is now an adult, their behavior is subject to more severe legal ramifications. Others with whom they are involved and have conflict may place a restraining order on them. They may face jail or prison time. Subsequently, a criminal record affects their career opportunities. Should they have children, their ability to parent may be severely compromised or restricted. As grandparents, you may fear for your grandchildren’s safety. Or you may be in a position to take over the parenting of your grandchildren. Parents may watch helplessly as their children’s lives fall apart, possibly affecting future generations.
I have no doubt that the Reiners were surrounded by both strong professional and social support. I did not hear about Nick’s history of violence, but we rarely know the entire story of how family members were affected or the anxiety they experienced. Nick admitted to being destructive in his home while in the throes of active addiction. Everyone wants to know how these murders could have been avoided. Despite all they endured, I believe that this was a family who loved each other.
Parents of adult children who struggle need a tremendous amount of help, support and empathy. While Al-Anon and Nar-Anon provide peer support for those who have family members who suffer from addiction, working individually with a psychologist can give you a safe place to share the difficult behaviors you witness, and your fear for the future. We can talk through effective ways to communicate your concerns with your child, set effective limits, and address how to warn those you might feel are in danger. We can also discuss how you can feel safer, and what to do when you or your child’s safety is in jeopardy. None of this is easy and unfortunately, no one’s safety is guaranteed. Hospitals have very strict rules about how long one can be hospitalized if the patient is unwilling to stay. Calling the police does not always effectively deescalate a situation. Yet, this may be the only option. Should you recognize yourself in this essay, please feel free to contact me to see if I can be of help. I have no doubt the Reiners would want other parents to feel the support and comfort of professionals who understand their experience and know that parenting is the hardest lifelong job we will ever have.
www.paulakaplanreiss.com 732 754-6601
