Pregnancy Loss
Miscarriage, unusually common, yet rarely discussed, affects 20% of women up to age 35, with the risk increasing as women age. Yet, so many people feel alone with this loss. It is not always visible. The pain one feels after a lost pregnancy is equal to the plans and hopes invested in the desire for a child. For women who miscarry early in the first trimester, who may require little medical intervention, the loss is NOT equivalent to or experienced as a late period. Painful cramping can be experienced rhythmically, like contractions. Bleeding can evoke fear and heartbreak. Ultrasounds can feel scary. Women feel helpless. While early miscarriages are typically due to chromosomal issues, women often are not aware of the reasons for their pregnancy loss, leading to feelings of shame and guilt. ‘What did I do to cause this?’
Watching friends and family easily conceive and carry to term, seeing ultrasound photos and gender reveal parties on social media, being invited to baby showers all can lead to envy, devastation, loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. ‘Why did my pregnancy not survive?’ ‘Am I not meant to be a parent?’
Fetal demise in the second or third trimester requires a visit to the hospital and may result in having to deliver the baby. More complicated medical and emotional issues can follow. A couple can be at a loss as to how to move forward. Very few rituals are available which recognize a pregnancy loss. Spiritual guidance may not feel accessible. Very often friends and family are eager for you to move on….to try again.
Recurrent pregnancy loss is one aspect of infertility leading to difficulty in creating a family. While struggling to get pregnant can lead to depression, repeated miscarriages can result in trauma: a dramatic high followed by a crushing low. The excitement of getting pregnant is lost to the fears that the pregnancy is not viable. The joy of sharing pregnancy news is shrouded in doubt that the pregnancy will lead to a live birth.
Support groups can be helpful in connecting with others who have experienced similar losses. Yet, individual work in therapy can be a safe place where you are not forced to smile about the news of a successful pregnancy for another group member. You can acknowledge your feelings, your jealousy, your sadness.
As a psychologist with personal and professional experience with this issue, I can help you navigate your pain. We can discuss how to move forward and develop your identity and relationships, though your life may feel on hold. We can explore how to emotionally tolerate and learn from your medical workups, while supporting you should you continue to pursue pregnancy. As a woman and as a couple, the world is filled with babies, pregnancies, and families. Few spaces feel safe. Should you want to explore therapy, please contact me for a complimentary 15-minute session to see if I can be of help. 732 754-6601 www.paulakaplanreiss.com
