Recovering from a First Love
Falling in love for the first time is an experience like no other. For centuries, poets have rhapsodized, novelists have filled books, and playwrights and film makers provide stories on stage and screen for eager audiences. When love strikes, our bodies react in physical, exciting ways and our brains become consumed with endless thoughts of our romance and our beloved.
Often this phase of a relationship is referred to as the ‘honeymoon’ period. The other is idealized; annoying quirks and habits are ignored. Time is spent being affectionate, making love, and telling each other all the reasons why the loved one is so special and worthy. Thoughtful gestures are effortless. We imagine and wish for this stage to last forever.
Many times, this glorious beginning of a relationship leads to happily ever after. But, very often relationships do not work out, and love does not win in the end. Breaking up from a first love can impact all future relationships. The pain and grieving do not easily go away. Rarely is the breakup mutual, with one lover hoping to change the other’s mind and reunite. The obsession about the lost love can spiral in unhealthy ways.
Reasons for a breakup are innumerable. We become bored. We argue too often. Little quirks become intolerable. We meet someone else. We outgrow each other. Our life goals take us in different directions. The bottom line is one person is more unhappy than happy in the relationship. This can be very difficult for the partner to accept. Moving on feels impossible.
A first love can set the template for what love is supposed to look like. We want to have those euphoric feelings again. We learn what is important in a relationship. We may want someone who is good at talking, or someone who is comfortable with alone time. We want to feel adored but not by someone who is possessive. We might like being a caretaker but also want to be taken care of during more difficult times. While relationships take work, we need our love to feel easy. I remember hearing a Jackson Browne song from his Pretender album in 1976:
Never should have had to try so hard
To make a love work out, I guess
I don't know what love has got to do with happiness
But the times when we were happy
Were the times we never tried.
Breaking up from a first love is never easy. So much can be learned from that first relationship that we can take forward into our next one. Therapy is a safe place where we can explore what went right and what brought pain and unhappiness. We can understand how our family relationships play a role in the choices we make. A healthy long-term partnership filled with love is more than possible.
Feel free to call 732 754-6601 for a complimentary 15-minute consult to see if I can be of help.
www.paulakaplanreiss.com
