Staying Committed Through Crises
I was recently reading a novel where the husband and wife divorce not long after the death of their young son, who died in a diving accident into a shallow lake. This led me to wonder, why do relationships struggle under extreme stress or tragedy? How come shared loss does not always lead to couples reaching out to each other for comfort? Difficulties in life are universal. Why does illness, addiction, childrearing difficulties, or in-law issues threaten the viability of a once healthy partnership? Couples who soldier on during or following crises are seen as strong. Others often wonder how the relationship survives.
Through my work with couples and individuals, I have gotten to see how relationships endure. When we first meet our partner, we are usually at our very best because we feel an attraction and we want the relationship to move forward. We watch our behavior. We prioritize our partner. We go out of our way to be thoughtful. We ignore habits we do not understand or may find annoying. We are flexible and compromise. We rarely lose control or show anger. I always say, the beginning of a relationship, or the ‘honeymoon’ phase is the most blissful phase. It is love and sex and few responsibilities. Needless to say, this phase does not last. Real life sets in. Bills must be paid. Work may feel hard. Future plans may not pan out. Family issues may interfere. Health may not stay steady.
The strength of a relationship prior to inevitable struggles is key to a couple’s success. How well do you communicate? How well do you listen? Is there an equal distribution of responsibilities? When you become angry, do you walk away or want to engage and work it out? Do you have vastly different styles in handling conflict? While couples may be inherently different, is there understanding and acceptance of those differences? Can you count on your partner to take over in parenting, or making meals, or taking over household chores when you are struggling? Do you share basic values about what is most important in your relationship?
Couples are bound to disagree and may not share interests. However, the foundational aspects of a relationship can still thrive and hold a relationship together during dark times. If a child is sick or acting out, if a relative is fighting with your partner, if job stress or loss of income threatens a sense of security, a healthy primary relationship needs to provide solace and comfort. When your partnership is the strongest part of your life, outside stressors become much easier to endure.
Tragedies do not create new fractures in relationships. They highlight and expand the cracks that were already there. When choosing a partner, imagining them or experiencing them during your worst times will be more helpful than focusing on the love you feel when everything is sunshine and roses.
Should you be questioning the strength of your relationship or want to see if your partnership can improve, please reach out to me. www.paulakaplanreiss.com. 732 754-6601. I provide a 15-minute complimentary consultation to see if I can be of help.
