Healthy Relationships
“When I freely feel the strength of being a separate person, I can go much more deeply into understanding and accepting him, for I am not fearful of losing myself.”
This quote from psychologist, Carl Rogers was one I copied down in a psychology class in college and has stayed with me. I think about it and use it when working with clients, especially couples.
Often, when searching for a partner, we seek someone to complete us, to fill what is missing. Perhaps parents did not nurture self-esteem. We did not feel loved or valued. We are searching for an identity. We hope to find what we never received. Looking to another to finish your development is doomed to fail. If the relationship ends, we are left broken and incomplete.
Therapy is best spent understanding how to stand on our own feet. We want to learn what we love, what drives us and what interests us. We may not find a partner who likes the same things or has the same taste in books and movies. We may not want to go to a sports event but would prefer to visit a museum. We want a partner who supports our tastes, even if they don’t share them. An individual who is well-developed has more to give in a relationship. While it can be fun doing things together, we need to be comfortable standing alone because, as we age, one of us is bound to be left alone. We need an identity besides spouse or partner or even parent.
A healthy partner delights in your accomplishments rather than feels threatened by or envies them. We should be inspired by the growth of others whom we love. If that means we do some activities separately in order to develop, we need to feel our partner’s encouragement.
Often, relationships do not feel easy. A healthy relationship should only add to your life, not make it worse. Carl Rogers knew how important it is to be a separate evolved person.
To work on yourself or on your relationship, please contact me to set up a complimentary 15 minute consultation to see if I can be of help.
732 754-6601
