Losing a Parent
While no one escapes death, we will all face the loss of a parent. In the natural course of life, we will outlive our parents. Obviously, we don’t know when our parents will die, and we cannot predict how we will feel. As a child, when we depend on parents to support and guide us growing up, we may be terrified at the thought of losing a mother or father. As we age and develop close friendships and possibly find a life partner, the loss may feel less scary. For those who have experienced unhealthy, conflictual or possibly abusive relationships with a parent, the subsequent feelings after death may be very complicated.
Reactions to parental death may include:
Grief
Regret
Anger
Loneliness
Anxiety
Hopelessness
Relief
Peace
Grief can come in waves and rarely leaves in a linear fashion. We have good days and bad days. We can be easily triggered by a family event, a familiar song, a milestone or a favorite meal. So many people report thinking of their parents every day, long after they are gone. They imagine how parents might react to the political climate. Or they long for their presence to witness the joy of a grandchild or a great grandchild.
Many feel robbed of a life that was taken suddenly or too soon. They imagine conversations they wished they had, or regret conflicts that were never resolved. Others may face their parents with dementia. They miss the parents they no longer recognize, only to have to mourn them again when they actually die.
Grief has no timeline nor appropriate way of being expressed. Yet others may expect, after a certain length of time, you should be in a better place. They no longer want to hear about your sadness.
Therapy does not make grief go away. Therapy does provide a space to talk about your feelings and memories and helps with understanding the role a parent played in shaping your life. Therapy is a safe place to explore the negative feelings and remembered experiences you may not be comfortable sharing with others. Therapy can help you incorporate grief into your life, without it dominating your activities of daily living. And, a good therapist can assess for major depression to determine if a psychiatric referral is necessary.
Losing your parents should not leave you feeling completely alone. Please call me for a complimentary 15-minute consultation to see if I can be of help.
732 754-6601
